Hi. I’m Ali. NREMT. Postpartum Doula. Activist. And ACE score record holder.

My philosophy about children informs nearly every aspect of my life: “Children are simply tiny humans, and deserve to have their needs met as quickly and as fully as possible.”

Okay, so I don’t ACTUALLY hold an ACE score record. But I do have a pretty high score and it’s a lot sometimes.

I’ve finally reached a place in life where I’m able to use my past experiences - and the knowledge and skills I’ve gained along the way of healing from them - to help make life a little better for the next generation of tiny humans.

Let’s face it: babies cry.
And the sound of babies crying is stressful.
There’s a reason for that.
The only way that babies have for getting their needs met, is to cry.
They can’t talk. They can’t fix the wrinkle in their sock that’s making their foot itch.
They can’t turn on a fan when they’re too hot, or mix themselves a bottle when they’re hungry 30 minutes earlier than normal.

They have no other way to say “I’m sad/scared/lonely/had a bad dream - can you please hold me until I feel safe again?”

So, they cry.

Old thinking said that once a baby’s bare minimum physical needs were met, that any further crying is manipulation and should be ignored or, in severe cases, punished.

This, combined with the cultural idea that an infant’s behavior is a reflection of the parent’s abilities/skills/value has led to a lot of tiny humans having their needs go unmet.

Let’s dispel some myths about manipulation. According to Psychology Today, “Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense.”

Breaking that down further: manipulation is an attempt to “seize” things like “power, control, benefits, and/or privileges” at the expense of a victim.

People who practice manipulation: scam artists, cult leaders, ponzi scheme operators

People who do not practice manipulation: infants

Again, a baby cries to meet a NEED. And before we are tempted to limit our definition of “need” to food, shelter, and hygiene, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs places safety, security, and love very next in line after food and shelter.

When we respond to a baby’s communication of their needs (crying) we are not allowing ourselves to be manipulated. We are responding to the communication of their needs.

In my work as a postpartum doula, I tend to take this one step further.

Just like adult humans, infants display communication cues before they reach the level of distress that causes crying. We see this regularly in hunger cues!

Before a baby starts wailing for food, they will smack their lips, root with their nose and mouth, and even try to snack on their own hand. If we are able to meet their needs at this earliest communication, we can often prevent things from escalating to the fully distressed crying stage.

Another great example is gas discomfort. Often before they start fully crying, an infant experiencing gas discomfort will arch their back and draw their knees in toward their chest. Attentive care notices these cues, and begins the process of assisting with alleviating the infant’s discomfort as soon as possible.

Sleepiness is another tricky one. Anyone who has spent a significant amount of time around young children knows that there is a point at which a child or infant becomes “too tired” and paradoxically refuses to sleep. This quickly becomes frustrating for the caregiver and usually involves a lot of crying and stress hormones, sometimes from both parties.

But before they reach the point of hyperactivity and meltdown-level crying, infants will usually nod off repeatedly, yawn, scrunch their noses up, and rub their eyes/face. Attentive care notices these cues and proactively assists the infant with falling into a deep, restful sleep before they are too tired to easily do so.

Of course, we can’t always safely meet an infant’s needs immediately.

If we are driving in rush hour traffic, they need to stay strapped into their carseat and we can only offer verbal soothing such as singing or cooing.

If we are at our wit’s end with exhaustion/frustration/trauma triggers, we may need to step away from baby in order to regulate ourselves first in order to safely and calmly meet their needs.

In these cases, the infant will reach distress.

The wonderful thing about the human brain is that if someone regularly has their needs met (more often than not), they will recover much more quickly from the stress of deprivation than someone who rarely or never has their needs fully met.

This creates a pattern of resiliency, and reduces psychological harm.

Resiliency is important for meeting emotional and psychological milestones, as well as for coping with stressful experiences later in life. In fact, resilience is so important, it can actually help to counteract the damage done by Adverse Childhood Experiences!

Providing tiny humans with the resources they need for resilience is why I passionately believe that they deserve to have their needs met as quickly and thoroughly as possible.

This informs every action I take from the moment I walk into a family’s home to the time I sit back down in my car and take a deep breath before the drive home.

- Dr. Ali

references

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation#:~:text=Psychological%20manipulation%20can%20be%20defined,privileges%20at%20the%20victim's%20expense.

http://www.wales.nhs.uk/sitesplus/documents/888/PHW%20ACEs%20Resilience%20infographic%20%28Eng%29.pdf